I can’t help but cringe every time I see articles and whatnot discussing the most asked question of “how do I get him back” among other things. I mean to me it’s like give me a break ladies. Get on with yourselves. I don’t care about any of the bull shit these relationship doctors say- no offense- but because of these articles and relationship doctors are love life is forever corrupted and don't even ask me where my facts to support these statements are. If you are still asking, stop reading my post and join the 50% of the population that has relationship trouble. When your troubles exceed your abilities to deal start reading relationship articles for help and see if you could become part of the other half of the population. No success? I thought so. Want to know why? Because 100% of the population has relationship trouble. It doesn't matter what half you're on; both got issues. It's just that one half is doing a little better and that half is not I repeat is not reading these damn articles to get help they read it for general info (not always good). These articles and doctors help you feel better for a minute then your back where you started; sometimes in a worse place. Dare to disagree?
-If you do this he will be running after you
-How to be irresistible to men
-How to get the love life you deserve
-How to get him to come crawling back
-What goes on in a man’s mind
-How to cheat proof your relationship
-Understanding men’s baffling behavior
Give me a serious break. Could you tell me why men aren’t obsessed with these articles and books when it comes to their women problems? (Unless they are seriously pathetic and I know all you people out there agree only pathetic men do this right?) But it’s all good when we females do it. We even have little seminar meetings to talk about the latest “Man” information. Doesn’t that tell us something? Men are just human beings like us women. We don’t have to major in “Man” to be happy with one. Yes, information is great but when one does all that crap about, “buy my e-book and this and this happens” you are like yeaaaaaaaaa and there goes another one. Don’t get me wrong, these self help books are great when you don’t need them and only read them for general info but when you’re dying because your man isn’t retuning your calls and you fly to your nearest bookstore, library, and internet café to get the latest books and read the latest articles on the subject of men-I am sorry but that is why the man stopped calling you. A man left for his own reasons so let him be. Ever think when you leave a man and the man just won’t let you go and he’s doing all this stuff to get you to see how much he loves you and you’re just like ewww get away from me because you just do not want him. Your minds already mind up. You moved on…you’re done period. So why is it okay for us women to do this to a guy expecting him to come running back? I mean please have some self-respect. I will give you some real advice that you will be more than dumb not to follow.
-If a man says he is breaking up with you...move on case closed. There is not ifs ands or buts the only thing you should be doing with his butt is kicking it real good.
-If a man stops calling you and he has your number don’t call him…ever until he calls you. If he never calls you in a three month period move on without calling him that is. If you happen to meet him and he says, “Oh hey baby I lost my phone that’s why I haven’t called you,” look at him directly in the eye and give him a big smile and say awww that’s really sad because not only have you lost your phone but you lost me too and leave without looking back. If he comes back crawling and shows you he cares and what not give him another chance. If he does it again he’s gone for good. Repeat after me- he is gone for good.
-If he texts and never calls. Don’t text him back until he calls. After he calls resume your texting. Remember both have to happen. And if he refuses to call -for Gods sake do you even have to ask?
-If he’s ignoring you, kill him for whatever reason- by words that is case closed. This behavior is unacceptable.
-If he cheats on you and you are thinking of giving him another chance go kill yourself right now. I’ll forgive you for not reading the rest of my post. Under no circumstances should you ever take him back. I don’t care if he is rich and you’re broke and you got 10 kids. Go live in the street and take your kids with you if you have to. If you won’t listen to this advice at least get two witnesses that saw him cheat and take them and him to
-Don’t ever listen to a man’s words blindly it’s his actions that count. If both don’t connect run. Run run run and don’t stop running until he’s dead then you could start walking.
Other case scenarios mhmm there are plenty. Too much that is. Don’t get me wrong though, women could be worse than men on a lot of points trust me. Anyways my main advice is just do whatever you feel is right not what you wish was right. For instance, if you feel like you don’t know if you should take back your cheating man just take a minute and you will find the answer deep within you. If it says no don’t take him back but you know you want to don’t take him back. If it is the opposite well do what you gotta do. Personally, I would just pray Salat-Alistikhara. Actually I’ll just take him to Saudi… if he is cheating that is. Again Muslims you should know what I am talking about.
Just remember there are millions of men out there and one of them could be everything you want so don’t limit yourself ever. He should treat you with the utmost respect and love-that is as long as you’re treating him like that also.
Good luck with your relationships my readers. This won’t be the last time love comes up and you should be happy about that.
17 comments:
A.L, again you come up with a wonderful piece that I enjoyed reading, there is a say that “men are from Venus and women are from mars” or something like that, This can be true but I will repeat the word again “Can” be true, I presume that you are talking about extremes and although I don’t see life to be that bad but there are elements of truth within your extremes. I have picked up a few points which I may agree or disagree on depending how you look at the situation but as you took the view of your 50% I think it is only fair that I take the other 50%
I ask you a personal think “Why do you always assume that the error/defect/deficiency is from the man”, and if a man wants to break up with a women then should both of the and yes “BOTH” of them look into the relationship and see where the problem is? I will ask you another question “The term relationship, is it used as a wide term or exclusive marriage?” …………… anyway let me get back, not all people might be as strong as you (BTW that’s is a compliment ;P )
In relationships, there is politics that is played at every level, as you girls play hard to get, well we try to sometimes as well (we usually loose in this particular game) and talking from a guys prospective, you don’t want her to think you are “Too Keen” as there is a critical level if passed you start to be “desperate” so we try to avoid that. Tell me, if the girl like a guy and calls him back, has she committed a sin? And what happens is the tables are turned and the girl is head over heals for the guy?
“Remember there are men out there who will never cheat on you so why should you settle for less than you deserve?”
Could you clarify this line? As on one hand you say don’t take a man back if he cheats (BTW I agree with this 100% unless something deeper is going on within the house) anyway from what I understand (I am stood to be corrected) is that “Cheat” = never take back “faithful” = keep looking for someone better?
:) I am so happy that you used this “Salat-Alistikhara” as for both guys and girls we should always do istiklara and believe me if a muslim man follows his religion 100% he will NEVER cheat on his wife (Note Mani has written a good article about istiklara)
“He should treat you with the utmost respect and love-that is as long as you’re treating him like that also” I will finish with your line as it says a lot for anyone
Finally, I thank you for this good piece and I hope you don’t take any offence to what I may have written as no offence has been intended and I enjoy reading you post so keep up the good work
Fe Aman Allah
hi there,
I must admit I understand you more now than in the past
No need to panic please … didn’t say I understand you, did I?
Only a bit better
You know something? you do actually make sense .. your point is clear to many in my opinion
but, I feel we can disagree, can’t we?
I seriously suspect you ( I mean the piece you wrote ) is built on a false assumption .. the foundation of the argument you are presenting isn’t solid, imo
Perhaps I take it slow here until I learn more and feel I know you better
The main point: if you assume something, and go along with that assumption for some distance , initially you are bound to feel comfortable .. that’s where and why you had the assumption in the first place
but if you later reach a dead end, only then you start revising the accuracy of the map you have been following
I suspect ( not sure though ) that you are now doing exactly that … you feel you have been cheated, the info you have about men is no longer valid ..
Could I suggest: why not start checking 2 or 3 basic rules that keep relationships strong?
Just general and very basic rules with ALL relationships … see them again … pause … relax .. and later: re-evaluate
and ultimately: decide
( take it easy on yourself .. hey? you have a life )
Salam AL :)
Like Ahmad and Cof I think I understand you a lot better now. First impressions truly are no substitute for sincere and honest reflection.
You know, I do not disagree with your position, although I would advise you to be aware cause the way you shape ur identity moulds your subconcious, and therefore your instinctive action, and you could find yourself losing out.
But I would definately say you are a woman who cannot find a truly masculine man and that is a Sad reality for millions of women. This is the case with the majority of arab men too, unfortunatly. We men have been taught by popular culture that our identity is to seek power and superiority over all things, including women. This is done by appealing to a man's paternal instinct.
When power is defined by money, or what money can provide it is logical that a strong woman like you who is able on her own merits to provide and rightfully claim that 'power' to reject men who soley define power by the same concept and have nothing else to offer.
especially so when you can acheive it better.
and men who see your confidence, react naturally by fear, because 'sharing' power is an instinct that one naturally rejects as it loses the real meaning of 'fatherhood' and 'leadership' which men instinctivly covet.
We Men and Women have had great damage and injustice done to us by power-orientated culture and we honestly need to le-learn the real dynamism of 'successful' relationships if we are to find the happiness we seek.
I had a chat with my sis, whos pretty much in your same position. her difference is that she did not grow up around petty women and girls soley concerned with attracting man's power and submitting to it. So she did not end up with a well reasond venemous position towards these women, such as yourself.
I mean, she herself is gonna become a millionare soon lol and shes younger than me (first hijab managa artist, novel by bloomsbury coming out dec 2007 :) and we have been recently discussing the same topic at home too, with mum warning her about men's 'fear' and 'superstion' from 'succesfful' women :)
the discussion can go on and on but I am very happy that I took the time to read and re-read your points again and hopefully now I can show that I understand your predicament more than before.
take care, and salam.
a_akak,
Yes, there is a saying like that but I believe women are from Earth and so are men and no I am not talking about extremes and no, life is that bad in a certain sense. It is sad that you can’t see that but that is to be expected because men do not put themselves in that position to know how it really is out there. I sincerely applaud men for being this way. I just wish women were that way also.
I am not saying women are just miserable but women are doing this to themselves and there is no one other than themselves to blame. Now to make things clear, I am speaking from what I see and know from other women, not myself. It just saddens me that women will not rise above this phenomenon of men are all jerks and cheaters because it is simply not true.
(I am using the term relationship as a general term) I am not assuming anything. I am sorry that it may seem that I am blaming men but that is not so. I am blaming the women themselves. Men are entitled to their own life. No one said men have to act a certain way. That is why when things go wrong women always blame themselves and then blame the man. The rest of the women who now what is going on start saying, its okay honey men are all jerks and it spreads and women start believing it. My theory is get on with yourselves (to women).
Who said that once a man is with you he has to stay? Forget it move on. If you are not married you are not entitled to be together I am sorry. This post was for women who degrade themselves. Men have nothing to do with it. Yes, maybe men are the one causing them pain but that doesn’t mean men are the bad guys. Why should they be? They have a right to leave when they want. I am not saying that I agree with some of their methods such as ignoring, withdrawing, and all of the above, but a woman should simply call him on it and move on. If you are willing to give him another chance fine but if he does the same thing again don’t blame him, blame yourself.
I am not taking about the games that are played in the beginning of a relationship by both parties. We should all understand that some sort of game is expected to happen. But this goes beyond games. I am talking about the hurt that women find themselves in because they don’t understand “his” behavior and of course there is no sin in calling a guy back and that is what I am talking about. The girl is head over heels in love with the guy she can’t let him go even if he wants to go. This is where women end up the most hurt but mostly by there own actions and self destructing thoughts.
By this line “Remember there are men out there who will never cheat on you so why should you settle for less than you deserve” I meant that if a man cheats on the woman why should the woman still be with him when she could be with a man that will never do something like that to her?
I did read Mani’s post on Salat-Alistikhara. I enjoyed it and thank you for your comment.
Cofman,
Tell me what I am assuming please. I am simply stating women should be a little stronger and not sit around waiting for their men to change. If men want to leave let them go. If the man is treating the woman badly let him go. Why should women settle for less than they deserve. That is what I am talking about.
Men get away with a lot of stuff when it comes to the way they are acting with women. Women either go off at them or cry. They either come on too strong or simply act defeated. Why not calmly state why they are upset and leave it that. That is what I am talking about. They cry, yell, scream, go on and on about why their man is doing this to him when they are simply letting him do it. The man treats them like dirt and the women keep running back to them. That is my problem.
I am not saying all women do this, I am saying the women who are most miserable when it comes to men and relationships do this. They just need to be stronger and I know saying it is a lot easier than doing it but that is what I am talking about. Again I am not saying anything bad about men. This is all about the women.
Thank you for your comment.
Mani,
I applaud you for thinking you understand me but I am afraid you do not. I am officially writing a post about myself.
There are plenty of good men out there. I am not saying there aren’t any. I am not saying men are bad people. I am saying when it comes to relationships one doesn’t know how to go about it. BOTH men and women that is.
Funny how men fear me. This is not quite true. My views are not shown when I am conversating with men. Like I said these views are about a portion of women in general and a portion of men. I do not carry my views with me when I am meeting people. I do not automatically go he’s a sweet talker take him away. That man is a cheater take him to hang. Of course not. I do not like judging people before I get to know them. That is why my heart is more accessible to hurt but I do not care. I never regret anything I do. Whether I get hurt by it or not.
I appreciate men and find them fascinating and I have learned quite a lot from them. I also prefer to be in their company rather than women.
My issue is men think because of my so called beauty-excuse my arrogance and because I am soft spoken, charming, always smiling, and love to have a good time, they expect me to be a little “weak” and give myself over to them without a peep. Its fun to show them the other side of me when this happens but they take it in good stride, happy to see a woman quite strong. The problem is, Arab men wise, they are so used to women being beneath them in a sense that whatever they say goes or that they could do whatever they please and the women would either sit there quietly and take it, leave them, or yell loudly, cry and so on but rarely…yes, there are some, but rarely will they come across a feminine women who will speak her mind calmly but sternly when they misbehave and demand respect, which I am about to do with my cousin, am I right, then they take my other side as a joke.
And you are right, men who see confidence, react naturally by fear, because 'sharing' power is an instinct that one naturally rejects as it loses the real meaning of 'fatherhood' and 'leadership' which men instinctively covet.
I am so happy to hear that your sister is becoming a successful woman and she wears hijab. You have to see the smile on my face. I hope everything goes well with her and I’ll be watching for her novel is that what it is to hit stores in America :) But she doesn’t need to worry about men if she is worrying that is. I think all mothers have that fear that their daughter’s success will shy men away but in reality real men will be nothing more than happy to have a wonderful woman by his side. A millionaire? I am loving it!
Thank you for your comment.
Hi again,
You asked “Tell me what I am assuming please. I am simply stating women should be a little stronger and not sit around waiting for their men to change ”
Ok, let’s look again at the first part of the piece you wrote … you’ll find it ending with “ .. but because of these articles and relationship doctors are love life is forever corrupted and don't even ask me where my facts to support these statements are. If you are still asking, stop reading my post and join the 50% of the population that has relationship trouble ”
Can’t you see the absolute certainty you ‘ seem ’ to have?
Can’t you see that, it seems, there is absolutely no doubt, none whatsoever, in your mind about what you are saying?
Isn’t there a chance, a tiny chance even, that there might be some error due to perception, circumstances, coincidences, or even bad judgement, .. is there a chance of any of this happening or not?
Btw, I wasn’t accusing you of anything .. have no reason – or evidence – to accuse you of, or even blame you for anything
I am simply saying: you have a life … you have ( or ought to have ) enough strength to protect you from the outside noise …. Life is full with BullS … are you going to deal with it this way?
Can you stop the bullS?
Could you not ignore the whole universe, and concentrate on AL, and what makes AL happy?
Much easier, I think
anyway…
I know when I am angry I write stuff … and when I am calmer I write about the same thing but differently
Hey?
Can you live without optimism?
Or hope ?
Can you?
Can you not dream, even if reality is so screwed up, and can do nothing about it ?
Ok,
Here is a suggestion:
Ignore my comments – just ignore them – and don’t worry, it won’t offend me
Once you feel I understood you, then by all means you can respond – but until that time, plz do ignore cofman
Becoming familiar with anyone, let alone libyans, does take time, doesn’t it ??
P E A C E
First and foremost, I will admit that I do enjoy your posts and I try to learn one or two things on the way, so I look like you have a fan here (don’t worry not gonna go carzy :P ), now let’s start , I took a few quotes from your reply that I would like to comment about and that got my attention
1 - “life is that bad in a certain sense. It is sad that you can’t see that but that is to be expected because men do not put themselves in that position to know how it really is out there. I sincerely applaud men for being this way”
I sometime feel like an optimist and it is good to see the better things in life and not always concentrate on the negative and I will say “my glass is half full and not half empty” but I will look at the bigger picture and analysis everything, I wish I could see things from the other side but I can’t and that’s not because I am a man, that is because most of our visions are narrow and shallow and we take things the way we want anyway if you talk with men they would say the total opposite as they would say “I sincerely applaud females for being this way” and we say “behind every great man is an even greater women” and I don’t think this quote came out of nothing? And I might be wrong but I see that more females control their own destinies and that does not have to be influenced by man
2 - “That is why when things go wrong women always blame themselves and then blame the man”
I wouldn’t respect a women who did that, as they say, “ it takes two to tango” and I never understand why a women would blame herself (unless she has done something wrong) as what a man does in on his free will and if he does anything wrong then he has done it by himself and as humans we have a brain to think with
3 - “Who said that once a man is with you he has to stay? Forget it move on”
We all try to find the right person to “spend the rest of our lives with” but sometimes things don’t go according to plans and either party can blamed and yes if he/she is not happy then sometimes its better to move on and I think any women should be strong enough to take this step but sometimes other factors come into the equation, such as money and children and these to things make it much much more complicated as the mother would sacrifice her happiness for her children
Finally, I respect you for being a strong minded women and I applaud you for standing up for what you believe in but i have said this many times and I honestly believe in it and that is that “men and women complete and complement each other”
Again thank you for your enjoyable articles and I look forward to reading many more
Fe Aman Allah
Hey American Libyan?
I came to say one or 2 things
From my short experience here spending time with libyans, ummm about 5 or 6 months, no more ,,
I don’t expect you or anyone to take my word for granted, plz feel 100% free to question everything, and I’d be more than happy to correct what I say,
From my short experience here I found almost all the libyans I spoke with simply amazing
You wouldn’t believe how happy and positive I feel today in comparison to what I felt only 2 months ago
I like to add: enjoy life, with libyans or without … you’ll be surprised by how wonderful people here are .. ( I am almost embarrassed by their tender hearts , eg mani; or honesty, eg Piccolina; or stupidity, eg cofman )
Take it easy on yourself ….. & no worries, ignore everything I say until we spend more time with one another
( I can’t wait to read about your funny side lol )
Today 19 April, I already miss you
Good luck with your exams / whatever
cofman,
I agree. Libyans are great and I am not just saying that because I am Libyan but they are truly great people. If you don’t mind me asking are you Libyan?
Anyways your points are always well taken and from your comments and your blog I take it you are very knowledgeable, opinionated, and funny; characteristics I truly admire. Don’t worry about what I will think of your comments. You have the right to voice your opinion and you are entitled to them fully. There is nothing better than having different opinions. Why? Because that’s how you learn the most. You learn to be more open-minded, and then you agree to disagree ;) and no I will not ignore your comments!
Anyways, you are right; women should be a little stronger and not sit around waiting for their men to change. That’s what I have been trying to say.
The reason I sound like I have absolute certainty in what I said is because I do. There is absolutely no doubt, none whatsoever, in my mind about what I am saying and no there is no chance not even a tiny chance even, that there might be some error due to perception, circumstances, coincidences, or even bad judgment. Trust me but there is always the good side and the bad side of everything and to get a little more confusing, I always see and believe in both sides so you shouldn’t be surprised if I write a post applauding these docs and psychos because there is some good in what they do. The question is all good good?
Like I mentioned to a_akak, in person I am a whole different person than how I am in my writing. I will explain this in a future post. That is why when one thinks that I have a shitty way of seeing the world they have absolutely no idea who I am. You make your life and I think many people can’t see that and think its life’s fault that they are hurting or whatever. You make your life by the way you are living it.
This outside noise is what shapes life its how you deal with it that is important. The way I deal is by writing and talking about it. It does not mean I’m drowning in life of sorrow. I separate these thoughts with the way I live because if I actually applied my thoughts to my life I’ll be living in a psych ward lol.
And Cof I love the universe, if I ignored it there would be no AL and I am happy especially since you miss me ;)
Thanks.
a_akak,
The thing about me is that I have soooo many sides of myself that it is hard to keep up with me. People think I contradict myself many times but to me I am not really contradicting myself I just say what I am feeling at the moment. Also my beliefs change especially when I figure out that maybe I am not looking at something deeply enough. I am also an optimist. I tend to see the good side of things like you and I am still trying to figure out if that is a good idea. I could also be brutally negative that people might be like my God and run away from me out of fear thinking is this the way she sees life. Meeting me in person I am a whole different person than meeting me by my writing. That is just the way it is. I will explain this in my post.
You are right behind every great man there is a greater woman. But we fail to see that behind every great woman there is a man waiting to corrupt her life. I will talk about this in a future post.
Your number two made me cry. This ties in with the, behind every great woman there is a man waiting to corrupt her life. What women go through. I am tired. I am so tired. I am starting to write a post on this aspect.
Number three. A mother should never never sacrifice her happiness for her children that way. People are always like oooo what about the kids. People forget that kids are happy when their parents are happy. What kids have to go through when they see parents’ always yelling, arguing, getting abused and so on kills me. Move on. No money? Live on the street. Get out. Get the fuck out if you are not treated right. This goes for men also. Get out and move on before you do yourself serious damage. And yes, this is one of the hardest things in life but we have to realize if we don’t get out are lives will be harder. People just fail to see that. It’s called denial and again I will be taking about this in my post. I know this is a bit extreme but that’s what I do best. It better to be extreme the dead if you know what I mean.
You are right men and woman are made for each other and this is something to embrace not to push away.
Thank you.
hey A L,
and how you doing ?
wow .. I feel good that you are still alive …. I do … lol
I nearly gave up … jeeeee , I mean … I honestly don’t know why I never gave up clicking on your page … hoping that I see something to indicate you are still near …..
( believe me, I have a lot of stuff I need to work on .. but checking your blog now and then and how you are keeping became one of my top priorities ….why ? …. well …… maybe we have one thing in common …. ‘libyans’ ..
btw, you said “ and I am happy especially since you miss me ;) ” .. oh yeah … I do … you and many others …. I have a habit you know? whenever I feel good about somebody, or even something, I don’t hide it … I say it …. I do
anyway, ..
I found what you say about your self on your profile very interesting … you say “ I am very ambitious, independent, and extremely career oriented. I have been told I have a way with words and my thoughts are worth sharing. ”
when you are free and have time to spare … and fancy a little challenge … something to make those with curious minds even more curious … let me know … from what I know about libyan blogs ( around 30 I guess ) .. you seem to be the most suitable …., yeah … when you feel bored or something … I have something for someone who is better than me ( lol ) … Hey ???? I was joking … I am the best LOL
serious wallahi, just fun and slowly finding our way here …
and if you thought or felt I might be of some tiny help …. hey ? the Café is open 24/7 , and we have no rules … yeah …you can say what you like, on anything, at anytime, and say it anywhere ( and later when/ if you change your mind, you can always go and delete it … )
ok ..
wow ..
I know I am late: Nice meeting you btw
( and please don’t feel you ‘have’ to come to my page .. or under any pressure from my visits here …. I personally spend more time outside my page than at ‘home’ lol … …… I am not surprised, mind you ….. lol …. I spent more years outside Libya than inside lol )
ok …
I better go … lol … I have a lot to do …..
( please delete your page so I can concentrate lol )
Oh sorry, I forgot …
yeah, I am libyan
Thank you for your reply,
I look forward to reading more posts from you
Fe Aman Allah
Wake up folks
We need more stuff – update – anything – a joke – a story – anything - ummmmmm do you know how to sneeze ??
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