Welcome to my circle of strong, ambitious, and demanding women. If you are the type of woman who sits around all day daydreaming about the day of your wedding-excuse me but please GET OUT OF HERE! (I hope you all saw my quite please in the beginning) I have never been the type of women swooning over gorgeous men who know how to sweet talk a women into loving them (on accident of course) and dreaming about how much money he should spend on my wedding and how great our life is going to be. I mean please; does my writing even suggest I am that kind of person? Because if it does, please tell me-politely of course- to stop writing publicly. Anyways my point is maybe I should GET OUT of my own circle and form a new one called WOMEN CO
I have always wondered why Arab men have to be such chauvinists when it comes to women, money, and careers. For God sake men let it go and stop being such bigots. The reason we go out and have careers is because we WANT to not because we want to flaunt it in your face and start singing “na na nana na I make more money than yoooou and I’m just a giiiirl” and then stick out our tongues at you like some two year old, excluding me of course; I still do that all the time-- it’s my guilty pleasure. Anyways I know men want to feel strong and manly and want to have power over women and want to feel that a woman needs them and yatta yatta yatta but uh habibi hate to bust your bubble but who said us successful ambitious women don’t want that? Trust me, we want a strong masculine man in our life and trust me he will have power over us if we love him, and I hate to say this but we need our men. We just don’t need you to run our lives with your cultural ways. So please enlighten me, exactly what are you chauvinists afraid of?
All I know is that if my man gave me such a hard time for being me than I will calmly walk to our bedroom, grab a duffel bag and stuff anything I see that is his into it, walk calmly back out, thrust it into his arms, and nicely escort him to the door, then to his car, then finally while giving him a quick peck on the cheek tell him to have a nice life with his secretary and I’ll send the rest of his stuff to him ASAP. It’s simple as saying your name if you ask me but then again I have always been simple - wink wink. If that is what you are afraid of simply do not be an SOB about your women’s life. Live your life let her live hers and meet up in bed every chance you get. So very simple. Erase your expectations men and women. Live life like how it’s supposed to be lived. Be happy and in love. This society tends to make everything harder, but then again at the end it is all up to you. I am really sad that we females have to pay an enormously expensive price for our success and that men are intimidated by us, preferring women who need protecting and who can’t live without them. I know one of my biggest fears is not finding a man willing to accept and support my ambitions and dreams. I know this fear is in most successful women worldwide. How could men be like this? How could a man give up the chance of loving and living a nice life with a successful beautiful woman? That’s just insanity. I mean if the woman was all caught up in her career and she makes it known that that is the most important thing in her life then I believe men have a reason to run far away from her. But what about the successful women who want live a happy married life and would take their marriage seriously and love their husbands with all their being? Men, how could you deny successful women the right to marry happily and stay married happily? Are you men that insecure? All I know is that I will never settle less than what I deserve and it makes me realize that I must ask my husband-to-be(whoever that would be) some important questions before I lose sight of my beliefs and fall blindly into his arms before realizing he was a chauvinist all along. It’s not like I’m hoping to use my divorce lawyer or anything…
23 comments:
It's true that many men want a dependent, diminutive woman, but there are also many me who like a strong woman too -- I don't think it is accurate to make absolute generalizations about what your chances are to find happiness in your relationships with men. If you are a unique and creative human being, you have a better chance to find happiness in your personal life and in your love life. If you're looking for reasons that a relationship won't work you will always find those reasons -- that doesn't mean you can't stand-up for what you want but it does mean that there are no absolute rules for what a creative, adult relationship will look like -- the only rules are how well each partner can love and accept the other person as they are, personality defects and all. It's a brave new world for relationships between men and women -- we have to make our own rules as we go along and learn to be flexible and creative and as compassionate and loving as possible.
I just found your blog and I am loving it so far. Thanks--sometimes I think I am one of the only ones out there.
Thank you for your comment Perkunas, for you did make some strong points but I have to disagree on some parts. To start out I have to say that of course there are men out there who want a strong independent woman who can challenge him in ways he never thought possible but I am sad to say the “majority” of men don’t. There is always a limit. That limit is what I am talking about. It is not about wanting a strong or weak woman. It is not about wanting a woman who is successful or not. It’s about if the woman’s status is higher than the man. That is when it becomes a problem. And I wouldn’t try to deny it because as much as you say you have no problem with being with a women who is stronger and more successful than you are wait until your kids are going to her for money instead of you and people are tripping over their feet to talk about her successes instead of yours and how she seems to outshine you in everything. Tell me that won’t matter to you. It doesn’t matter that she needs you for love and support. It doesn’t matter that she needs your help in raising the kids and to be there for her when she needs you. Nope none of that matters later on in the marriage. What matters is what is going on in your head. What goes on in your head is what kills the marriage. What starts to matter to you is the financial aspect of the relationship, your status versus hers. That’s just how men are brought up. In order to feel significant; in order to feel like a man in their relationship they have to be higher than the woman. Even if the man believes that with him it’s different it’s not. It will come out sooner or later. That is my problem. When people marry they marry for life that’s why when a man says, “I want a woman who is strong and successful and blah blah blah,” instead of shouting with joy that finally there is a man out here who respects that, I ask him what he does. If his answer tells me that he is of lower “status” than I am I run as far away as possible. That crap about opposites attract is a bunch of bullshit. If you want to have a fighting chance of being happy you better find someone exactly like you characteristics wise because if you don’t problems are forming the second you realize that the only thing you have in common is the love you share. Unlike you, I think it is absolutely accurate to make absolute generalizations about the chances we have to find happiness in our relationships with men. It is not about being unique and creative it is about the similarities, the respect, the trust, the confidence you have with each other in order to be happy. People don’t look for reasons that the relationship won’t work. People grow up watching and learning what works and what doesn’t and they apply it to their life and to their relationship sometimes unconsciously. Like you said the only rules that should be applied in relationships are how well each partner can love and accept the other person as they are--personality defects and all. But who really does that? Is that even possible? To me it’s like people want their relationships to fail. It’s like their doing everything in their power to mess it up. Then they ask themselves why the divorce rate is up that high. I mean give me a break. Like we don’t already have enough corruption in the world as it is that we had to go and corrupt the beautiful essence of marriage and love. I can’t remember the last time I saw a married couple who has been together for over twenty years and still act like newlyweds. It’s like love and happiness has to be cut sometime in the marriage. For that I am afraid. You may tell me who said I have to end up like that, but remember in a marriage it always takes two. This is why I mention similarities are everything, but of course everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
Thank you again.
dima garrib shwaya,
Thank you so much for your comment. It is nice to know fellow Libyans are reading my blog. I actually was just looking quickly at your blogs to get a feel of who you are lol. I have to go back and read them though. They look interesting! And trust me sometimes I feel like I'm the only one out there too so you are right it is nice to know you're not the only one who feels the way you do.
salam peeps..
such an invigorating article miss Libyan.. My mind is swimming with thoughts but I dont know how to lay them out for u .. So I guess I am just going to summarise quickly..
any debate on relationships based on distinctions of opposites will get u no-where. that goes for both male chauvinists and female sexists.
relationships are collective actions, with a real, objective epistemic reality to them, independant of the individuals these relationships are composed of, yet dependant on the personalities, skills, attitudes and hearts these individuals bring to them.
The ideal of marrige ( distniguish the de-jure from the de-facto in many of our cultures here pls) is a relationship composed of man and women in which the purpose for is to raise a healthy, educated and spiritually and morally strong family, with children as the product and the virtues of love, work, compassion, committment, dedication, responsibility as the vehicles and dimensions that make this goal achievable and decorate the process of living it.
To enable it to fulfill this purpose, this relationship (marrige) is sanctioned by law and recognition in order to gaurentee that the rights of individuals in the family (parents and children) and the purposes of the family itself are not compromised either by members of the own family (such as an abusive husband, an adulterous wife, jackass males spreading their seeds around and leaving millions of poor single mothers etc etc etc) or by society at large (tribal and familial feuds, slander and defamation etc).
In realising this goal, and the purpose of the family, compromise and committment is required from all ends of this relationship, Husband, Wife, and Children (once they mature).
How this compromise is done is not something u talk about, it's something u do once the purpose of the relationship and the consolidation of it's vehicles is agreed. Something you live. it's something that millions of happy couples in the world live everyday, from their wealthy, to their poor, from their modern, to their traditional.
for when talk about relationships degenerates into confrontational polemics between 'Men' and 'Women', that to me just reeks of angry, childish and selfish attitudes. That goes for both Men and Women who do so and I agree, that the majority who do this are Men, in most societies.
But take a look at what this distinctions brings up: in arguments about.. personal success..work.. money.. self esteem.. power..let me do what i want and you do what u want and lets meet up in bed mentality.. there is one concept at the the core of all of this and attempting to address the leaves rather than their root is superflous.
The core concept is individualism... just complete selfish, self-fulling individualism... youll never get a honest, loving and empowering relationship out of that ... well.. a relationship is a dynamic for a shared purpose.. once all u share are ur own indivdual lusts and desires...well.. we can all guess where that leads you..
Can one honestly believe they know what is best in their own intrests??? sometimes u do.. but most times u dont.. u find out.. u find out through hard lessons when u make mistakes, or u find out when u listen to other's advice and experience and are able to help others when u see them makign them. In a relationship with a shared purpose, can one honestly do whatever they liked and wished??? try telling that to ur boss, or your manager, or ur shareholders.. whom are all working togethor for a shared purpose.
Sadly, Businesses.. corporations, are the new models of successful families.. completely at the expense of the beautful model of a loving, nourishing nuclear family.. take a look at the stats of single parent families in the states and the numbers of 'successful' middle ages women in the US having 'baby' crises.. there are even laws in Luxor egypt now restricting female middle aged tourists from marrying poorer men in egypt..
thank you for your comments AL and I appreciate the vigor which with u write..
hi there,
thanks for writing the piece
I read it, but unfortunately didn’t have time to read the comments .. it is my first visit .. so
Ok, plz ignore the impression you may take about me ( angry, stupid .. lunatic even ..) I have no time to be diplomatic .. my main goal is to make my point clear
- I agree with lots of what you said .. no doubt
generally speaking We fear women,, .. and if you open your eyes a little wider, we fear women FULL STOP ( high achiever, high this, high that … fear? Oh yeah )
- but wait plz, bain e3laik egnaina halba wallah
the biggest damage inflicted on women wasn’t caused by men, it wasn’t
( are you awake? )
compare the causes of misery on women that came from men, with the misery that came from their own mothers
- wallahi 3 times, as long as you are running after men ( you can use all tricks in the world, .. our brains are down stairs) … when we run after women, we follow our brains ..
and hey?? lol
and you keep following your intellect, bahi?
( i wish you had a better joke to tell )
Thank you for writing this lovely piece and I totally enjoyed reading it but I do have comments
I feel your pain and I don’t know what you might have gone through or what the circumstances are behind this post but I agree with many points but as humans we never agree 100% and that the beauty of being different
I hope you don’t take my comment as passing judgment or being cynical in anyway, but speaking from an Arab Libyan Young Man who has been raised and educated in the west (UK) and lived partially in Libya,
A confident man should not be intimidated by the success of his partner nor should he feel the need to be the one holding all the cards and I don’t know why but this issue always come up everywhere and with any culture, what I personally believe is that both man and women are complementary to each other and complete each other is many ways. Now back to the topic, I believe that if two loved each other enough all these superficial matter will crumble and the man will want what makes his wife happy and if that is her work then so be it and personally (insha allah) I would give her the option to choose and no matter what she chooses I will support her (again my personal opinion)
I hope this clarifies things and not all “arab” men are the same and again stereotyping men is as wrong as men stereotyping females
Take Care
hey libyan american girl, sorry i didn't catch your name, I was surfing http://www.globalvoicesonline.org/, and stumbled on an article that talked about libyan blogs, and it had your blog and ours in it, and talked in depth about it, and i took a look myself, and thought to let you know that I enjoyed it, and i think it's great what you beleive in. and I want to take the oppertunity and preset to you our blog, lmtv.wordpress.com
and want you to take a look at it and give me your feedback.
thank you,
LMTV
LibyanMentalTV@Gmail.com
Mani will you marry me?
Anyways about the individualism…collectivism isn’t doing a good job either in successful relationships I mean. The let me do what I want and you do what u want and lets meet up in bed mentality is the core of my belief. But that is just the core. What goes on in between is what makes or breaks the relationship and that is where my problems lie.
Thanks for your comment and I am glad you thought my article is invigorating.
Cofman,
Men do fear women but women also fear men and no the cause of misery does not come from men it comes from society mainly. When you say the misery women go through comes from their own mothers I thought and what about their fathers. Most fear to become their mothers and that is because of their fathers. And trust me sweety we run away from men not after them; the thing is we get caught once in a while and that’s when all the bull about love issues comes in if you know what I mean!
Thank you for your comment.
a_akak,
Many people might think I have gone through bad experiences that made me believe in certain things but I assure you I have yet to experience what I speak of, although I will mention if I have gone through any of these experiences. Usually I have read and seen many of these things happen throughout my life therefore I feel I am credible enough to have an opinion on it. You make very good points and I do believe there are men out there like you but then again making your wife happy has nothing to do with this. It is just a matter of status that gets to a man after a certain length of time. This is what I am talking about. It is all about status and you are right stereotyping is wrong.
Thank you for your comment and I am glad you enjoyed my post.
A L,
Thanks for the reply/clarification
I am sure, al, between us this very minute while I am writing this, there are many barriers in understanding one another – and I am only talking about ‘ understanding’
To help us lower these hurdles, I suggest we say what we mean, and be as clear as we possibly can – and hey, do we have to agree?
I hope not
You were 100 % clear here “ Mani will you marry me? ” ( and I am proud you have the strength )
elmohim,
now, let’s apply what we now know that you ‘can’ be clear when you want to ..
this is what you said “ Men do fear women but women also fear men and no the cause of misery does not come from men it comes from society mainly.” … here, more specifically, again “ the cause of misery does not come from men it comes from society..”, by saying ‘society’ you mean men + women, right?
in other words, what you are saying for women .. the cause of misery does not come from men, it comes from Men and Women, right??
as you can see, part of the blame for women’s suffering actually comes from women themselves – my little question: instead of blaming men ( which I do 90 % of the time ), couldn’t women stop inflicting damage on themselves?
Look at it from another angle: how would a neutral observer give you support when he sees your mother siding by your dad against his daughter?
If you can’t secure the support of your own mum, what right do you have to expect it from me, for god sake?
hey AL?
Been few times since my 1st visit,
Just like to say one little thing, ok?
( promise, no bad feelings between us )
you know where to go if you ever feel lonely ?
or
if u want to talk about career ?
or
men ?
( hey ? not only libyan men, but men PERIOD lol )
or anything, really anything
try Anglo’s page, or Brave heart, or mine
fun is guaranteed
( or your money back )
I don’t want to give the impression that I am worse than glue
But if you are Libyan, and feel lonely sometimes, then I don’t mind whatever impression I give
My heart is libyan, and that counts more than any impression in the world
Remember … there are great libyans only 2 or 3 clicks away
up to u – hope you have fun anyway
Salam Libyan American
Your humour is well received. Had I not been happily engaged alhamdulillah I would have still had to politely decline an offer (if it were sincere) precisely because I 'fear' you. :D
I don't get what you mean 'collectivism'?? its not doing a good job so the relationship is successful??..
it just sounds like you didn't get my line of argument. In any case I found some articles that may help answer some of your questions (if you haven't mind your mind up that is ). They will appear in my blog as part of the marriage story series hehehe :p..
anyway here's your one :)
The Virtues of the Feminine
By Henry Makow Ph.D.
June 4, 2002
Men need to distinguish between women who are feminine and those who are inverted.
A feminine woman is receptive to men. She exudes cheerfulness and inviting warmth. A man can make a friendly remark and be well received.
An inverted woman, on the other hand, is fearful and defiant in the presence of men. She has been taught that man is a competitor, or worse, a predator.
These women are out of touch with their nature and you can tell. Woman's essential nature is to be an incubator of love. Her natural role is to create an environment in which living beings thrive. Her destiny is to love a man, and through him her children. Her reward is their love and happiness.
Sexual intercourse and childbirth are manifestations of a spiritual relationship. A man must first plant his spirit in a woman's heart and find a warm reception. That spirit takes root and love grows into a sapling, and then a towering oak. Finally, a child is the expression of this unseen reality.
What are the elements of this male-female dynamic?
1. The male must present a woman with a spirit that she can embrace. Men generally use money or power to appeal to women. However, a man is much more than a provider or doer. He is an agent of God. Every man has a divine mission and purpose on earth. This mission imbues him with a confident masculinity, which appeals to a woman's higher instincts.
2. Do women lose their identity in this process? Yes. Partly. Psychiatrist Marie Robinson calls this their "essential altruism." Women were designed to find identity and self-fulfillment in their husband and family. This is positive. Ultimately, women do not get satisfaction in worldly achievement. They find fulfillment from giving and receiving love. They are creatures of love, God's creatures.
3. The essence of womanhood is the maternal. A woman nurtures and makes things grow. She gives her husband and children unconditional love. Similarly, the essence of manhood is the paternal. A husband gives direction, purpose and security to his wife and family. Everything leading up to marriage is preparation for these complementary roles.
4. Marriage is a mystical union. Man and woman become one. The sword in its sheath; the record in its sleeve. This union in love is the wholeness we all seek. It is a prerequisite for happiness and personal development. Otherwise, we are stalled, i.e. obsessed with sex. In order for union to take place, a woman must identify her self-interest with her husband's. She becomes part of him. He becomes part of her. Their happiness is one.
Members of couples who remain "independent" are in competition with each other. They cannot know true intimacy. They cannot know true love.
Powerful forces in the world use the mass media to create social trends. These forces are promoting sexual inversion in order to sabotage the nuclear family and destabilize society. They dupe women into denying their femininity and usurping the masculine role. As a result, millions of women are inverted and are missing the boat with men. Rather than creating loving environments, they are aggressive and self-seeking. They need someone to create a loving environment for them. Hence the power struggle that makes "equal" relationships a constant trial.
In practical terms, what does this mean for men? 1) "A man makes the house, the woman makes the home." A man must get his personal and professional act together. 2) He must love the woman who loves him. Otherwise he should leave her alone. 3) Men should not waste too much time on inverted women, i.e. feminists. (A friend said marrying a feminist is like a Jew marrying an Anti-Semite.)
A strong man might help a feminist rediscover her femininity. (See the movie The Bostonians, for an example.) But you're dealing with milk that has curdled. Better to find a woman who is naturally feminine and naturally receptive. This requires many contacts; the Internet is perfect for this. Don't waste time trying to make a shoe fit just because you're starved for love.
I found a woman with traditional values in Mexico and, at age 52, finally have happiness. My wife taught me how a woman creates a loving environment. She gives me s-p-a-c-e, mental and physical. She observes the 3c's of true womanhood. She doesn't criticize, she doesn't control and she doesn't complain. If I look at another woman, she doesn't jump on me. She's my friend, not my jailer. Is she a doormat? She has a Master's Degree in Information Technology from a leading U.S. university and a career of her own. I do all the shopping and cooking and try to make her happy. Our marriage proves that roles can be flexible when identities are secure.
Recently, my wife invited me to watch the Miss Universe pageant on TV. A couple of years ago, I might have slavered over these young beauties. Now you couldn't pay me to have sex with any of them. It's isn't just impending old age. Something subtle happens in a real marriage. Your soul takes root in someone else's being. That's your home. That's where you belong.
---------------
Henry Makow is the author of A Long Way to go for a Date. He received his Ph.D. in English Literature from the University of Toronto. He welcomes your feedback and ideas at henry@savethemales.ca.
The Virtues of the Feminine
By Henry Makow Ph.D.
June 4, 2002
Men need to distinguish between women who are feminine and those who are inverted.
A feminine woman is receptive to men. She exudes cheerfulness and inviting warmth. A man can make a friendly remark and be well received.
An inverted woman, on the other hand, is fearful and defiant in the presence of men. She has been taught that man is a competitor, or worse, a predator.
These women are out of touch with their nature and you can tell. Woman's essential nature is to be an incubator of love. Her natural role is to create an environment in which living beings thrive. Her destiny is to love a man, and through him her children. Her reward is their love and happiness.
Sexual intercourse and childbirth are manifestations of a spiritual relationship. A man must first plant his spirit in a woman's heart and find a warm reception. That spirit takes root and love grows into a sapling, and then a towering oak. Finally, a child is the expression of this unseen reality.
What are the elements of this male-female dynamic?
1. The male must present a woman with a spirit that she can embrace. Men generally use money or power to appeal to women. However, a man is much more than a provider or doer. He is an agent of God. Every man has a divine mission and purpose on earth. This mission imbues him with a confident masculinity, which appeals to a woman's higher instincts.
2. Do women lose their identity in this process? Yes. Partly. Psychiatrist Marie Robinson calls this their "essential altruism." Women were designed to find identity and self-fulfillment in their husband and family. This is positive. Ultimately, women do not get satisfaction in worldly achievement. They find fulfillment from giving and receiving love. They are creatures of love, God's creatures.
3. The essence of womanhood is the maternal. A woman nurtures and makes things grow. She gives her husband and children unconditional love. Similarly, the essence of manhood is the paternal. A husband gives direction, purpose and security to his wife and family. Everything leading up to marriage is preparation for these complementary roles.
4. Marriage is a mystical union. Man and woman become one. The sword in its sheath; the record in its sleeve. This union in love is the wholeness we all seek. It is a prerequisite for happiness and personal development. Otherwise, we are stalled, i.e. obsessed with sex. In order for union to take place, a woman must identify her self-interest with her husband's. She becomes part of him. He becomes part of her. Their happiness is one.
Members of couples who remain "independent" are in competition with each other. They cannot know true intimacy. They cannot know true love.
Powerful forces in the world use the mass media to create social trends. These forces are promoting sexual inversion in order to sabotage the nuclear family and destabilize society. They dupe women into denying their femininity and usurping the masculine role. As a result, millions of women are inverted and are missing the boat with men. Rather than creating loving environments, they are aggressive and self-seeking. They need someone to create a loving environment for them. Hence the power struggle that makes "equal" relationships a constant trial.
In practical terms, what does this mean for men? 1) "A man makes the house, the woman makes the home." A man must get his personal and professional act together. 2) He must love the woman who loves him. Otherwise he should leave her alone. 3) Men should not waste too much time on inverted women, i.e. feminists. (A friend said marrying a feminist is like a Jew marrying an Anti-Semite.)
A strong man might help a feminist rediscover her femininity. (See the movie The Bostonians, for an example.) But you're dealing with milk that has curdled. Better to find a woman who is naturally feminine and naturally receptive. This requires many contacts; the Internet is perfect for this. Don't waste time trying to make a shoe fit just because you're starved for love.
I found a woman with traditional values in Mexico and, at age 52, finally have happiness. My wife taught me how a woman creates a loving environment. She gives me s-p-a-c-e, mental and physical. She observes the 3c's of true womanhood. She doesn't criticize, she doesn't control and she doesn't complain. If I look at another woman, she doesn't jump on me. She's my friend, not my jailer. Is she a doormat? She has a Master's Degree in Information Technology from a leading U.S. university and a career of her own. I do all the shopping and cooking and try to make her happy. Our marriage proves that roles can be flexible when identities are secure.
Recently, my wife invited me to watch the Miss Universe pageant on TV. A couple of years ago, I might have slavered over these young beauties. Now you couldn't pay me to have sex with any of them. It's isn't just impending old age. Something subtle happens in a real marriage. Your soul takes root in someone else's being. That's your home. That's where you belong.
---------------
Henry Makow is the author of A Long Way to go for a Date. He received his Ph.D. in English Literature from the University of Toronto. He welcomes your feedback and ideas at henry@savethemales.ca.
Cofman,
To tell you the truth Women’s misery comes from society meaning both men and women. But to make it clearer for you I believe women are the core of the cause. This is because women are the ones crying about how they are being treated voicing their hurt and pain to whoever will listen. The more women hear this, the more women hold it against men. It may be hard for you to believe but I admire men to great extent. I get along with men better than I do women and understand them far better. My cause of concern is that men aren’t helping to squash these stereotypical views. I am just immensely sad that women have to hear such things making them believe men are the enemy in which we have to guard our hearts from. We forget that women have maybe even more issues then men and you don’t see men cowering away from them as much as women do men. So your way of thinking is 100% correct and I applaud you. Women, me included, need to stop inflicting damage on ourselves. You lost me with your last sentence “If you can’t secure the support of your own mum, what right do you have to expect it from me, for god sake?” But if I am thinking along your train of thought I would say I expect it immensely!
I appreciate you concern for my loneliness but I assure you in this life one cannot be lonely especially if my fellow Libyans are two to three clicks away from me :)
Thank you for your comments.
Mani,
Congrats on your engagement. I am sincerely happy for you. Inshallah you and your fiancé will have a long and happy marriage. No need to fear me. If you met me you will think to yourself ‘What a delightful charming young women. How could a woman so beautiful be so cynical?’ I get that all the time. Maybe I should write a post about who I really am what do you think?
I am talking about the psychological terms collectivism and individualism. Individualism is what you summed it up to be. Collectivism is the term that represents your statement of ‘a shared purpose’. I was merely saying both don’t necessarily work. A combination might work the best but that is just a thought.
The articles are fine. But tell me this. Most people would think I was stereotyping with my views but then again these articles are a form of views only. I could read one article that says men enjoy feminine women and so on, while another article discusses that men prefer women who are strong and independent and could hold their own. It’s a matter of views that you would either believe or not believe then you would choose the article that suits your preference. I am not saying that this is what you have done but that is what is usually done.
Relationship doctors and psychologists rely on studies and statistics in order to make women believe that this is what men want. Instead of these doctors and whatnot informing that women should just be women however they are, they go on and on about men want this, men need this followed by a whole section of experiments and statistics and then finally stating that a women should just be herself. Please, give me a break.
Don’t get me wrong though, I am not saying that these articles are not true I am just saying we all tend to use the words men and women even though we don’t mean all of them just a portion and that’s what throws people off. I have read articles over articles have done my own research and experiments that I probably know as much as the next relationship doctor. I am so knowledgeable that nothing of this sort is something I don’t already now. Nothing surprises me and I am always two steps ahead of the game. I can answer all my relationship problems myself and when I seek the help of these relationship doctors I find my self answering my own questions in precisely the same manner they would. It disgusts me because this has done me more bad than good. Why?
Because all these articles, all this knowledge won’t save me from heartbreak. It won’t save me from the issues relationships face. It won’t help me have a better marriage than the next woman or man. It won’t get rid of the normal fears a person may have coming into a relationship, marriage or whatever. The only thing this knowledge gives me is more cynical thoughts. People might think the more knowledge a women or man has about relationships the better off they are. But one has to remember that knowledge has to be general. Like how to communicate better, how to be more self confident, things that make you a better person to yourself not to make other people think that you are a better person. That’s why the articles, books, tapes and the sort that go on about men are like this and women are like this or do this and a man will love you or you have to be masculine in order for a woman to find you attractive is a bunch of crap to a certain extent.
One must just live and take what comes there way. No amount of knowledge or anything else will protect them from experiencing what Allah wants them to experience. We forget that all the knowledge we really need is in one holy book and all Muslims should know what that book is.
Salam Al
All your posts have a piece of who you are in them and that is delightful. if you want to write a post spilling the rest of the beans .. by all means !! :D
Ok now I got what you meant about collectivism. I don't believe that having a shared purpose (love) need erode any personal or individual identity. In fact, you'd expect such a virtuous relationship to empower identities.
I do agree with everything else you said though.Especially when you said this article represents a view, with an embedded value judgement, and is not really representative of reality.
What interests me about Henry's articles however is not his personal view, its his analysis of the role of social power in society and its effects on hetrosexual relations. He describes what we would call a Taoist (or cyclical) understanding of power, rather than a civilisational (or pyramidical)understanding of power.
relationship doctors and psychology aunts are criminals in the sense that they 'use' science to justify an oppressive industry. love can never be found in statistics. those Freudian nut jobs have a vested interest in the enterprise of broken relationships that is the hall mark of our society. Its just way beyond silly.. its criminal.
love is a virtue. untested virtues are fake labels. unexamined realities are realities not worth living. that's why men and women out there need to stop hiding behind their own petty fears and truly engage who they are and use the brain that Allah swt gave them to understand right and wrong ,and know they are responsible for their own actions. like you said..
"One must just live and take what comes there way. No amount of knowledge or anything else will protect them from experiencing what Allah wants them to experience. We forget that all the knowledge we really need is in one holy book and all Muslims should know what that book is."
Amen to that sis.
Thanks for the nice comments. I'm sure they'll hit stores late this year inshallah.
You take care of yourself,
salam
than
Mani,
Your point is well taken and your right all my posts have something in me in them. My point is we need to stop hiding behind our fears and live life the way we are supposed to live it. My issue is that the doctors and psychos persuade us to read their books listen to their seminars and get “help” to erase our fears or to give us a basic understanding of what relationships and people are all about but forget that they are the ones that implanted our fears in the first place. I would have never even considered that men would have an issue with their woman having more status power than them if I wasn’t bombarded with theses doctors and psychos and whatnot going on and on about this issue. I mean why??? Why should men have a problem? When you get down to it, it just doesn’t make sense and that is what Henry is doing with his article. He is trying to help us understand but the truth is that we are yet reminded why we have these fears and issues in the first place. We keep running into these articles that make us think and think and analyze that we end up coming to the conclusion of, hmmmm what he’s talking about makes sense and then we believe it, thinking if you’re a successful woman good luck getting married among other things and spreading it to the rest of humanity.
Salam.
A lady who uses the F... word, is a red flag for me. Using the F... word is a sign of weakness not strength in a personality. Having Katherine Hepburn as your role model, does not fit the bill. She was a class of her own, well bred.
Your own choice of a man is wrong in the first place, marrying a cousin; it is like the last resort to get married. You have valid points but the way you present your ideas is not correct. You say Libyan men are male chauvinist pigs and I say the Libyan women are racists.
Imagine a woman in the 70's in Libya would marry a military or police officer just because he drove BMW which was subsidized, or will marry any person who has a scholarship to USA just to get out of Libya which reminds of Moroccans who will marry anyone to get them out of Morocco.
You said Libyan men are male chauvinist; the truth is that women are advancing in every field in a higher rate than men, which put men in disadvantage situation, which shows their laziness, lack of ambition, bad work ethics, raiding on their sister's salaries.
What happened was the destruction of the Libyan Character, from a nice simple man to a corrupt man. With that comes all the illness of a society, women pays the price for it. Internet, communications, travel and daily doses of information has benefited women tremendously.
We as men we have to learn to accept that women are equal partners plus women have to learn to not use feminism whenever it suits them. Successful marriage is all based on respect.
Musiclover
There is an article today in the front page of New York Times which backs up what I said earlier.
Algeria’s Women Quietly Advance in Careers and Society
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/05/25/world/africa/25cnd-algeria.html?ex=1180756800&en=f12c9e257532f190&ei=5123&partner=BREITBART
MusicLover
You can google the article
I’m going to keep things as simple as possible although it appears to be a real challenge to do so. I have read through the post and responses thoroughly and find them highly captivating and they were an interesting read, I will not say they were beneficial to my opinion though and I will explain this.
I’m not going to repeat the response that was delivered previously on the whole generalizing on Libyan men, because I am sure you did not mean to describe every single Libyan man in existence in your post but rather the vast majority and oh by the way you really should quit saying Arab men when you mean Libyan men its pretty obvious.
You certainly did a good job of exploiting and describing the common lesions and negative aspects in Libyan males marital-based personalities or approaches, it is not surprising to me that you did not put the same amount of emphasis on exploiting Libyan females. The reason why I say this, is because I feel it is in me to say I am an exact portrayal of that masculine character you so avidly described as ideal for you: supportive of a higher status woman, willing to make space for her, willing to honor her success even if it is the community topic of the year and most of all love her for that, but you see for me the women are the issue but I’m not going to go into that better yet start a blog about it because words really mean nothing the answer is out there in life not on cyberspace.
However reflecting on your far-stretched effort to express all of your emotions towards those issues you find frustrating, compelling, etc makes me wonder what benefit is there to you or to anyone reading this particular post? Here I am reading and writing and many others as well and I much like them am utilizing a lot of my allocated free time, yet I know you’ll probably not take a word of mine into serious consideration or implementation even if I am right. The reason why I say that is because much like the majority and not all of the Libyan American community of females you appear to be to be delusional. Now whether your delusions are simply a portrayal of your online character is not a decision for me to make but your language content and general message to my opinion are delusional and you can tell your lawyer and your gorgeous man cousin I said that.
This is the thing with you lot, you all feel that you are on that special pedestal of height above all others which is really anti-everything and will never ever get you what you desire and seek for in life especially that ideal man if you just took the time to think about that. I mean sure it’s good to feel special, they teach you that in grade school but whatever happened to being level-headed, being modest, being simple, being down to Earth etc...
You’re not the first Libyan American or the last Libyan American female attractive or non-attractive, there are many Libyan American females who probably have spent more time in the US than you have who in fact are really beautiful women perhaps even better looking than yourself, who are extremely successful perhaps even more successful than yourself, who are ambitious perhaps even a lot more ambitious than yourself and oh yeah living in Libya and are oh yeah married to Libyans some being real possessive chauvanistic jerks, hell I know some Americans who fit all of the above and they're doing great!
Yet they are happy, you know why? Because every individual is entitled to his/her own opinion, something we tend to forget a lot of the time because we are so preoccupied with our tendency to think supremely of ourselves when there’s a whole world of people out there to consider and some women find higher status and true success in just being loyal to their husbands, having kids and making Bazeen for all I care and yeah I know oooh gross. Yet there are those much like yourself with lawyers at arms ready to dispense and that feel the need to challenge Bill Gates for entreprenuerial success while your husband is at home with a pink apron on doing the dishes.
What I’m really trying to say is and with no offense intended really despite my rough tone: if you have issues, there of course is no harm in expressing them your entitled to express and blog your opinion as you want but I really don’t appreciate your attempt to convince the world and influence people’s thoughts to revolve around your opinion or ways or what you feel is right because based on what is the followings of our common societies the Libyan, the American and most probably our common religion Islam a lot of what you are trying to say has elements that are anti-Libyan/anti-American/and anti-Islamic but I won't be the judge of that as I am not the ideal Libyan/American/or Muslim in all out honesty. If you happen to feel you don’t fit under those mentioned descriptions or if you feel your ways are the better ways for social change based on the extensive history and influence that being Libyan being American and most of all being a Muslim has elicited on us than my sister, you are living in denial and I suggest you stop blogging and take time to just sit and think about yourself.
I honestly wouldn’t want any of my sisters or female relatives or friends Libyan, American, Muslim, whatever to read your blog honestly particularly those highly motivated, ambitious, successful Libyan or Libyan American sisters with a great genuine humble future ahead of them to develop an ego as a result of reading your expressed emotions.
Some of the issues you expressed ARE significant and I support your efforts in expressing them but not in expressing them as being the better way.
Language is a weapon that can be used for benefit or harm and most of the time we don’t even realize that. May I mention once again out of genuine concern for you that the solution to those issues you expressed and your own resultant benefit is none other than within your own mind, not in those who read this post or those who agree with you.
Hell I couldn’t care less if this response is read or not or for those who agree or disagree but I honestly got nothing better to do right now than write.
Thank you for your time and all the best to you rubi 3awnik inshaallah and "I don't fear a successful woman, I fear Allah" - and to everyone reading love me or hate me it really doesn't mean a thing to me, I doubt I'll even be back on this blog ever again :)
i love ur blog already and i only read up to divorce lawyer nice one i think ill do that tooooooooo
libyan girl
Haha thanks hun :) I am so happy to hear that you like my blog!
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